In your devices I am trusted, For the love that was given, Kindness that was taught, Compassion I saw in your eyes, Through the scars that time wrote.
Though it was not said, No tear uttered nor a moan lost, I assumed the pain taken, That resided deep inside. But your heart never turned a shade, As it was ever glowing, You showed us what it meant, To not take what life was given, But rather live it as if it is your own.
Now I stand, bit alone and scared, Thinking of the time we spent, By your side I sit still, Yet you are gone.
I do not know, Where this life might take me, Or if I will take it by the throat, One thing is now certain, Your love embedded, In my heart still it beats, I still cry as I did, By your side in deep.
Moments I will share, The time we had to see, I regret nothing, Except not saying I love you, one more time, how much you mean to me.
I often look at your eyes, To see if I am still there. Some time has passed, But surely One thing remains. An ember of hope, Like a leaf in a river, There it hides. Behind the beauty that is your pain.
I stop, Stare and gaze, In hopes I shall find, A reflection of my own self. But to my surprise, I only see, A man who’s beauty transcends my own.
To that figure I lose my eye, Trying to find who he is.
His smile clean, His hope high, With a clean demeanor he carries. Jealous at the point unknown Should I cry of envy.
But my eyes he holds, Without the dark burden, I weep under the light seen, Now I wonder what you created, The image of me that could had been.
Stuck in this perpetual limbo, Where the heart battles the mind, One pulling the tether that bounds, The other fixed in his position to defend, The past mistakes I called love.
I stand at the distance, Watching the never ending debate, My mind caught in between the struggles of the soul, To carry on which is the choice, To love blindly Or to hate reasonably?
And each one of them, Speaks the truth as they know, Perhaps that is the sole reason, Why my mind trembles between this war. Stubborn they are in their ways, To each their side prevails, Each a hero in their own tales.
Who is right? And who is wrong? The one that is left standing. As my mind crumbles in this constant war, I fear that I won’t make it. As the heart wants what it wants, And the mind despises the decision the other makes, I am left alone, A sole man in this never ending tale.
There is always this one thought in our mind that lingers and eventually comes forth. To some it might be a whisper which can be easily pushed away and to others it comes as a roaring thunder that never leaves our sight, a seed that grows rapidly, unchallenged it spreads to the darkest corners of our minds where it thrives. And to us, the few that are unable to ignore it and make it go away, it becomes our great companion in the darkest days that come, a friend that possess some of the most reasonable insults you will ever hear, a supposed ally that will aid you in getting rid of all hope that you yearn for, all the friends you wish to be with, as he will convince you love and family are just an unnecessary burden. And in that enveloped darkness is where our own humanity is tested.
The world doesn’t care
The month of September is suicide prevention month and especially this week is the suicide prevention week with the 10th of September being suicide prevention day. First of all I would like to say as with mental health awareness month, I am glad we devote more attention to mental health and the bag of problems it brings. But don’t let it be one month, one year, one day… Look to the people you love the most, to the person next to you, read the signs and be open and ready to help. Be patient, be caring and understanding. I remember a friend of mine who went throught tough time and looked for a solution by opening to one of our other friends. And he got an advice I despise the most. He said to him why would you even think about suicide, it’s selfish, think about your family. To an extent I agree, as someone who unfortunately went on that road twice (almost three times) it’s those we leave behind that still feel our pain after we are gone. But what most don’t understand and what my friend who said that didn’t get is why does no one feel our pain before? Does it take those drastic measures for others to take interest in our suffering? They would think we only seek attention but in reality we are lost, wanting nothing more then to find our way back, wanting nothing more then comfort and understanding. But unfortunately my friends, the world doesn’t care. Mostly… As it is easier to judge then to understand. But not all share that enthusiasm to judge without a thought, no… There are us who have been through the hell of self doubt you are going through, there are us who know how it feels standing at the bottom in that darkness not seeing a way out. And trust me there is a way out. So don’t be hesitant. Reach out. To me, to others… I know there are lines to phone and I won’t judge their work (even if I have heard some dubious stuff about how they operate) remember that even in your darkest moments, when the world seems bleak, there are still people you can turn to. But as it is with trust, easy it is given, harder it is proven. It can be hard to confide in someone, fearing their reaction might change the view their eyes hold over us. And yes it can be difficult to dump that burden we carry on some, trusting them even with the slight sight of it, in fear they would run or judge, as much as it pains me to admit, there are still good men roaming around, willing to help, to listen, not for their own selfish gains, but rather out of the goodness of their own hearts. Because that’s how we as humanity redeem ourselves, that’s how we fix our own species and this world, by putting a bit faith in our fellow human and repaying that faith when it is given to us.
I thought I could turn off my consciousness But there was a price to pay
How hard is it to get out of that hole? Perhaps some of you are right now in it, perhaps you know some that are, but let me tell you something, it is a living hell that doesn’t end. As how can one escape it, the perfect prison designed by the only person who knows your deepest fears, darkest secrets that keep you embedded in that cold black chasm, as the worst prison we can find ourselves in are the ones we design. I can lie, say that even when you manage to pick up the broken pieces of your mind and soul, even if you somehow draw enough strength where there is none and that if you manage to spark the dark pyre of your heart with hope that was nonexistent that all will be well after, but sadly it is not the case. Even if you manage to do all those extraordinary feats and somehow pull yourself up, the fight won’t be over just yet. I am sorry my friend, but it will never be over. Forever there will be scars, invisible to the naked eye, hidden deep in your soul, that in any given moment you look down deep, you will find yourself again in a war with doubt and despair. But do not mistake this as an act of discouragement, no… As you should be proud. Not all had the strength or support to stand back again. We all lost friends and loved ones to that struggle. I would dare to say us standing out of the shadows that our mind casts is a privilege. An honor. Even if sometimes we want to give up, even if sometimes we will have doubts in every and all action we make, no matter how big or small it might be, I feel we owe to ourselves to think better. Of us. Of the world. Of others. That it can be better. That we deserve better. I feel like we deserve to hope. But not foolish one that had put is in that hole in the first place. I believe we owe to ourselves to think that even if we get up, try again and again that after all the fucking struggle, after all that pain, that all of that wasn’t for nothing. That after all, even we the broken creatures of the doubt, deserve to be happy.
You will relapse. Might bend the knee under the heavy burden, the untold pressure of not knowing does tomorrow bring something bad or not. You might fall, not wanting to get back up, think what’s the fucking point? And that is OK. At the end of the day, remember, we are all the same. Just human. It’s in our nature to fail. To try. To succeed. To be happy. So let’s be, just that… Only human. A flawed perfection.
Final words of encouragement
I will leave you with this. When someone reaches out, remember, they are showing trust, so repay it by listening, taking notice, by caring. We all struggle with life. And if we can make someone’s life a bit less dark, then perhaps our own will seem a bit more brighter. Most of us fear judgement, so don’t be hasty. As we all seek one thing. To be understood. So show love, not pity. Show care, not judgement. And perhaps we all as a species can look for a better tomorrow. And that’s what I wish to you my friends. May your tomorrow be a bit less bleak, a bit more brighter and may the only tears you shed be the one of happiness. Love you all you beautiful people,
I once said, In your pain I have fallen in love. But why is that, Looking at mine, You only see pity and sorrow? Where I was mesmerised by beauty and grace, You never saw past my mistakes, Thoroughly digging it up.
Why? I ask. I wonder, time and time again. To what extent my soul needs to open, To be viable for love? Is it past its date, Or perhaps it is to late, As I never deserved love in the first place