It’s been a while and I have to apologise. I have been absent even though I know I need to keep the blog alive and promote my book. But with the start of the summer, so did my curse start called the day job where I lose my days off and work 60+ hours a week. Yea I know, unbelievable to a point. But I am trying to balance things behind the curtains, working on projects, just not with the pace I am comfortable with. I finished my third book Equinox and now I am in a process of creating the synopsis so I can get back to the query trenches with all of you, to which I am not really looking forward, having the fond memories of rejection. So even if I had slacked when it comes to the Word Den, today I want to talk about something all creators aspire to do, what we fear and what we wish and that is to take that leap of faith and write full time. Today I want to share the fear of the future.
Mind divided, heart decided
When you think about it, on a statistical scale, it’s stupid, right? How many of us are there? How many of us really make it? When I started this journey few years back (geez I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for couple of years now) a good friend / mentor who is an experienced writer shared few gems of advice and he told me something that stuck in my head till this day. There are so many not good, but great books that remain hidden under the radar of the masses, works with great stories and even greater characters and yet they don’t get the appreciation they deserve. Imagine how many of those writers remain unseen and yet with that scary notion in mind, do you really need to stop writing? No, never. Write for yourself, write the story you want to read and eventually the people will follow. This is not a race this is a journey. I met a lot of people who advised and supported me, as an introvert I am grateful, as without the many voices of experience and wisdom that shared their words with me, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’ve been through a lot. By this point in my life few years ago, I thought I would be dead. But this, writing, saved my life and reminded me I still have something to offer in return. Am I good enough thought? Imposter syndrome is a daily occurance for us, but I get back to the words of my friend. Write the stories you would want to read and the people will follow. But then am I good enough to do this? Yes. And no. This is a journey. In this we learn constantly, daily, we improve and we grow. To say we are good enough can’t cut it as we will always improve. So am I good enough? Well, I am better then I was yesterday.
One for the future
So there is this desire and I dare to speak for all writers and creators here. We all love what we do and offer us to do this daily, for a living and I guarantee you there is no one who would even hesitate to accept that offer in a heartbeat. So how easy is it, I keep asking myself every day. What does it take to accept the calling we feel, to stay strong in these hard times and try? Fear is the constant reminder we are human and it prevents us to take part in things that make us happy. Is it just plain old fear or perhaps rationality? I do not know. But after all I’ve been through, I feel like my life will change after the end of this year. I feel like it is time for me to try, no matter how much I fear, to accept the calling that saved me and give my all. Perhaps we all feel like we have what it takes, but to someone who thought he will never amount to anything, to feel I was born to do this, it is a strange sensation. I had this thing I said way before all of this. Depression took a deep hold and I told once while talking to my uncle that I won’t live past 30. To this day he jokingly reminds me how many years I have left, just now as a reminder how stupid I was. But back then I really thought so as I lived my life as I never mattered, as I will die any second. And I claimed whatever I do till I am 30 will be it as I won’t see past it. I have less then 2 years till I cross that milestone. And after standing under my dark cloud for so long, I say now I will live past it. But these are uncertain times. Is it really smart to take that leap of faith and indulge in our dreams when the tomorrow is not guaranteed? But is tomorrow ever guaranteed? I don’t know much, but I know this. For more then ten years (yea that long) I have worked jobs that demeaned and belittled me, broke me spirituality, mentally and physically. So what’s wrong with that at some point we break our mind and find that hidden strength and just take that leap of faith? If tomorrow is never guaranteed, why not try and make the dawn that will come a bit less gloomy?
The rightful circumstances
Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps those words are thought by a lot of you or perhaps that leap of faith will pay off, who knows? Life is full of uncertainty, you can not control it. All I know I lived most of mine in sorrow and despair so perhaps doing something that makes me happy and fully committing to it will only make me content. All of us have our own stories about this, all of us have opinions on it, so let me know yours, I am always happy for a new insight. Like I said, right now my schedule is hectic, I feel so broken but I will try my best to continue to write. Right now the synopsis of my new book is a priority, I feel like it’s taking longer then the actual book. But I am here, still fighting, still believing, still going forward. Perhaps there won’t ever be a right time to fully commit to the craft or perhaps we ourselves have to make the time right. All I know my heart, my soul are screaming to take that leap of faith and who knows, perhaps on the other side happiness awaits…
For a time I was lost, For a place I mourn the most, Where the soul meets my mind, Where I knew love to find.
For a second I had doubt, I held my mind, shamed, never proud, Broken I saw the cracks, Under my fingers I felt the marks.
Now, I stand alone, Afraid with the world to atone, Sins heavy and no time to rest, I have to put my words to a test.
Redemption never comes too cheap, Doubt will never stop to creep, In my world I might be alone, In my final hour, I might now know, For every life there is a chance, For every sinner a new hope to advance.
The Wanderer himself is a representation of one’s lost mind, one whole piece what we all possess. There is a reason why the Wanderer is faceless, practically nameless for a reason. To make a blank looking character, with the problems of many, was my intention in the first place for one specific reason. So each and every one of you who read the story can easily put themselves in his place, as all who struggle with depression, lost identity and the anxious feeling of carrying the burden that crushes our soul, will find it easy to connect with such character.
“I walked alone. Through the shadows that the tall buildings cast, like giants watching over the once vivid and song-full city, but now just as a reminder of some past times, they stand tall, relics of an ancient order, such as I am myself. Those buildings and the entire world which surrounded me felt new yet familiar. I couldn’t feel a cold breeze on my skin. No winds moved the hollow now trees, stripped bare of its leaves, as once not so long ago did. The jungle of concrete and metal once felt like an anthill, buzzing of life, souls rushing on, minding only the empty task of the day they had. But now, no sound can be heard but the eternal silence that fills these streets, flowing throughout my veins, which pump that sorrowful blood all the way up to the heart, leaving it feeling bare, alone, stripped, and wasted. I march on, in search of laughter, shout, even a slight remark of a whisper which I grew to miss so dearly. I have been walking for so long; time seems to have stopped, pulling everything in one place, even myself in one way or another. I have been walking for so long, missing things I have held for granted. The simple hello from a stranger, a warm embrace of a loved one, or even just a sight of a curious passerby. One fearful thought keeps on rushing through my brain even though I quickly dismiss her. Thinking of some better times, I find myself faced with the ugly truth…I might be the last one. No one knows or remembers what happened exactly. Maybe we neglected the home we were given, and our mother finally rebelled against us, punishing us for our misbehaving and sins done over the last long years to her. Or perhaps we were betrayed by our own greed and fear, looking over our shoulder, valuing the life of our fellow man less and less, until we decided to grasp for something that wasn’t ours for the taking and putting the final stroke on our neighbor. No one knows what exactly happened. All that matters now is that the world fell silent so long ago, the song of billions that sang in many different tunes can’t be heard anymore, the night ceiling that connected us seems to swallow the once peaceful place, and the fire that warmed us, not just around, but also in our hearts, seems to be extinguished by none other than ourselves. Who knows what happened, but one thing is certain, we brought this misfortune upon ourselves, a band of mortal man, when did we think of ourselves as gods?” (The Lonesome Road, Chapter 1- The Lone Wanderer)
Ridden of all memory, he starts his journey. Even if he has no recollection of the events that unfolded, leaving this world barren and without human life, he feels the emptiness inside, a reflection of the world that surrounds him. But one thing is for sure, there are eyes on our broken protagonist. One night, seeking shelter, the last man gets a knock on a door. Behind it, stands destiny, a woman he does not recognise, yet like a friend not seen in ages, she feels familiar. But hesitation came up, holding his heart, as the woman’s motives became bit more clear, our hero must decide is she really the benevolent good she claims to be, or is the evil that resides in this world the same as the woman?
“All things that begin must have an ending to them…” I tried my best to put out some words of comfort. “It’s simply the law of life, time. But that does not mean we have to live in constant fear and worry about the end, knowing it’s life’s only certainty. It’s destiny.” I stayed in my sitting position, not breaking the gaze from the fire, but could hear the old bed move under her as she changed position, probably to stand even closer to me. “What do you mean it’s destiny? Now you’re talking nonsense. How can the fact that being OK with dying and making your peace with it be destiny?” Her voice changed as well as her position. It didn’t resemble the sweet, soft, mellow voice she usually had, even in fear and under pressure. Now it began to sound edgier, tense as if she was annoyed with my words and the view I had at the world. “It is destiny,” I answered back coldly, “You see people see destiny as a path that branches up from one to a million, thousand… A force that constantly intervenes, depriving us of our fundamental right to choose. How many times have you wanted to do something, and during or at the end of it, it goes wrong, and you figure out it was destiny that made you fail or end up there where you didn’t want or think you would end up in the first place? People often use it as an excuse for their failures or as an excuse for a weight that keeps them in one place for too long. Talking and saying it must have been destiny that wanted them to fail or stay at the bottom of the barrel for too long. It’s not destiny that keeps them from going forward. It’s themselves. And all of it is nothing more than an excuse for their own miserable failures.” (The Lonesome Road, Chapter 3- The Road Ahead)
Destiny. Are we that afraid of a concept that an invisible hand guides our life, that our choices never mattered? Or do they? What if destiny is like a river, with multiple paths and every decision we make takes us to a different destination? What if our choices mattered and there never was one destiny that was predetermined for one being? As what can we do, but believe in our Path, jump in that river and hope the destination is as comfortable as it gets. This book explores the human nature, our understanding of life, fate, destiny and balance.
The Lonesome Road is out tomorrow, you can get it, the link will be below. If you have any questions for me, please do ask, even if it’s just to say hi. I am excited to bring you this book, I hope everyone finds something for themselves in it.
I’ll answer any questions you may have, looking forward for tomorrow, love to you all!
And the heart follows… Isn’t that the saying? In the vastness of the world, we are left alone, with one old rule that this Earth never let’s us forget. The world owes us nothing and nothing in return it shall give.
Welcome, this week’s P.O.W., we are continuing the countdown to the Road, with 2 days to go.
In my mind, I was always alone. Misunderstood. Broken. When I looked over, I saw people who had at least part of their life fixed. It worked, you know? And mine? My life was nothing but a series of unfortunate events that I had only my own stupid head to blame. We all make mistakes, right? It’s on our human nature, we fall, we break things, mostly ourselves. But in that path of wrecking our own life and happiness there is one constant. One thing we wish the most. For someone to see, for someone to offer us a hand. To help us out to stand even when we see no way to do so. But our mind breaks and our heart follows as we witness people walking by, leaving us on the curb as some beggars, with our hands extended, begging to be held. And in our fall, tumbling down to the endless darkness we ask ourselves, is there such thing as human kindness?
We all have our Path
In “The Lonesome Road” our protagonist walks the Path, not just the physical representation of his journey but his spiritual transcending of his sins and mistakes in hopes he can mend his broken heart and fix his shattered mind, making amends with his mistakes of the past. He is left alone, in a world he knows little about, even if it is abandoned, it makes little difference as he was always alone, even when it was buzzing. Tempted by two sides, he must stay strong and true to himself, as the pain in his own heart must be firstly understood by himself.
And there is the truth. No matter if we extend our hand, we don’t ask for the help to be guided. No. We ask for understanding. It is us who firstly need to mend the scars that barely hold the mind as it is broken into million pieces. Help comes, in different forms and shapes. But it is our own hand we need to accept first and foremost, to start the process of healing.
We often deny our own strength, feeling like we have none. But the mind that suffered for so long has the strength to pull itself up. As a friend told me recently, we came so far, so whats few more steps?
We are all on a different Path. But we walk it, never alone. Even if it feels like that sometimes. The thoughts we possess and the burden we carry is something we need to acknowledge, accept and face. It is in our power to mend our mind or break it.
They say the burden we possess is not heavier then our capability to carry it. It is true. We doubt our strength, our fire, our capabilities, as it is easy to do so, to fall under the pressure our own head creates, it is so common to crumble under the words of the world which seeks mostly to mock. But why do we forget one crucial fact? We already walked a way of our Path, today we stand here, we had the strength to come this far, so what’s few more steps? No one knows how long the Path is, but take it day by day, one step at the time and who knows, we might just surprise ourselves…
In what do we trust? In who do we believe?
“The feeling of wanting and hoping for the better filled my broken heart, mending it just for a second. It was sorrow that brought me to my knees, but hope was the thing that pulled my tears out. Hope is a funny thing. A light in this endless night, a glimmer that we hold on to so blindly, mostly because, after that heavy load of sorrow, we look for something to help us carry the burden. We blindly turn to her, not asking its price, not thinking about its volatility. But hope can be a treacherous thing. It was for these people. I can feel them. Thousands of them. Holding and reaching their hand towards the wall, in unison crying and begging as if the Wall owes anything to them. To return their loved ones, to guide them wherever they are. I can hear their voices, feel their weeps, them calling. I can feel their burden. My tears as a memento to their suffering, my broken heart for theirs.”
(“The Lonesome Road”, chapter 2, The Weeping Wall)
Hope. It is a treacherous thing. It makes people comfortable, even in their deepest nights of despair, they sit and wait for salvation. Hope we misunderstand, blaming it for our downfall. But it is merely part of the solution, not its entirety. If we sit tight and do nothing, hope as all things, becomes meaningless. Our broken mind, our scared heart, contains so much strength unexplored. Rise, take the power of self belief you thought so strongly it was lost. Rise you broken, as the world is for us all. We deserve happiness, we deserve glory in its full potential. Rise, seize the day!
The truth shall set you free!
We lie. To others, to ourselves. Why? Because the truth is harsh, unforgiving and real. For that reason we choose to run away, towards the sweet embrace of lie. But live in lie for so long, wear faces that are not your own, soon enough you will start believing it. Soon enough you will find your humanity lost, as your head crumbles piece by piece. The past is always there. Sooner we accept our mistakes, sooner we can make new connections, sooner we can give our life back some meaning.
I am enjoying the Countdown to the Road, and now we are 2 days away! With this P.O.W done, it leaves us only tomorrow for content day before the launch. Tomorrow I will be taking questions on all social platforms, here, Instagram and Twitter, so if there are any who wish to ask me anything, please do so or even if you want to come and say hi I would be delighted! Wishing you a great end of the weekend and love to you all!
We have 3 days and counting and for today’s countdown as promised I am making a giveaway.
The Lonesome Road is my first novel. Far from it, it’s not perfect, nether was my intention to revolutionise the genre. But it is more then you see on the first glance, so don’t trust your eyes when reading the lines in between, but listen to your heart. It starts as a tale of a man, casted into a barren world which looks so familiar, yet so different. Alone he walks the empty streets, trying hard to remember his life before, how he came there or where his fellow humans are. Lost in the world, ridden of all hope, our hero seeks shelter one night in an abandoned house. While he prepares a fire for the cold night, the last man on Earth gets a knock on his door.
Behind those doors lies destiny. Filled with hope and underneath it, misery, fear and long lost forgotten curse of a heart. Will he trust his senses and logic or will he come to peace with his pain? One thing is for sure, his Path he will walk and it’s a treacherous one, filled with secrets that break the mind and twist the already broken heart. As behind those doors, behind the truth of this world is a menacing evil that knows his true name.
But as the adventure goes on, we will see the book is much more then that, it speaks about important issues such as depression, humanity and how we act as a species, is there still good in us and is the world there just to mock someone else’s misery while they suffer themselves?
Two lucky ones will get the book. How can you enter? Like and comment, share here on the blog, or twitter or Instagram, you can enter the giveaway on any of those three places. The giveaway will be on for a week so you have plenty of time to enter and I will announce the winner next Saturday! So enter now, share, like and comment, what you have to lose? Maybe few hours while reading a good book that you may win? Sounds like a win to me! Have a great weekend and love to you all you beautiful people!