As I am entering my third year as a “writer” I still keep on using that term cautiously. I am well aware this is a career where you are constantly learning and improving, as they say, it’s a never ending process of “enhancing”, as you always find new ways to well… improve.
Getting out of the eventual slum and the best advice I got
I wanted to quit, early on as well. To be honest, I started writing my first book almost three years ago, but not with the intention of becoming a writer, but rather to fight the ongoing depression and dark thoughts that loomed over me. As the excitement of creating a narrative and a whole new world came to be, slowly I started believing in something else. A different cause. Perhaps, this story could be not just for me, but for all people who felt like I did, broken and lost, shunned from the world. Took me a good six months to complete my work and as I finished I put the famous words “The end” with pride. But now a different feeling arose. A feeling of shame, inadequacy, as I thought who would even want to read it? If you wrote anything, then you are familiar with the imposter syndrome. I knew it too well, writing few pages, finishing a chapter, just to stand there staring at the screen thinking how crazy I am to even attempt to get my hopes up, this ain’t even good. But, a fellow writer, with far more experience then me, reached out. And gave me an advice that is still embedded deep in my mind to this day.
“Try. There are so many books published, more then half of them are not even that good. So what’s stopping you to pull the trigger? Even if no one likes it or even reads it, this thing we do is a constant process of trying. First one isn’t always perfect, but will improve you for the second one. Then the third will be even better and by the time you get to the forth, you will see how much you grew. Give yourself a chance…”My awesome friend
The reason of it
Simple words, but words I needed to hear, non the less. Because even when I doubted the most, I just repeated those words in my head and continued. I wanted to give up so many times and now, almost three years later, that book I wrote is getting published. “The Lonesome Road”, as it’s called, I never started with the intention of pursuing writing. I fought with depression and was in a hole I dug myself. When you dig a deep hole, finding yourself in the pitch black bottom, you only really see two options. Either you stay and dig more and lose your sanity or you fight back. “The Lonesome Road” will always be, not just a fantasy novel with good (in my biased opinion) narrative with all sorts of twist and turns, but an ode to everyone who is fighting with the same dark thoughts, a manifesto saying that even though you might be misunderstood and easly judged by others, you are not alone. And you do not have to dig yourself out of that hole alone.
Why I even wrote this?
Simply as a sort of a thank you to all who drop by here. I still battle with these thoughts, as no one tells you, it’s a process. Some days are better, some are worse. But lately I found comfort in poetry, venting out and writing more, which you guys seem to like as well, so thank you for that. But perhaps the real reason I am right now writing this is the thing I kept on saying. I never got into this for the sake of writing. At some point in your journey you realise we all need a cause, as most of our characters we need a narrative. And I found mine and will continue to write it. To help and do my best to all who felt and are feeling like I do. There is something that I wrote a while back.
“We are many who succumb bellow the pressure of dark thoughts and taunting of despair, there are many who walk side by side with sorrow from dawn to dusk… but we do not walk alone… for it is not the darkness of our being that enwraps us, but the night of the world…
And know below the midnight sky you do not stand alone…”
You do not stand alone below the midnight sky, we all stand shoulder to shoulder. If we carried that burden so far, sure as hell we can fight against it. There needs to be a certain strength to carry it. We have the strength to fight it.
Perhaps few will find this, read it or even like it. Certainly is different from what I do here usually. But it’s personal and felt like it needed to be said. To all my fellow writers who fight with doubt, without it we wouldn’t improve. But as a good friend said to me… “Give yourself a chance, what you got to lose?”