P.O.W.: Mental health awareness

Whenever I write, no matter is it a regular blog post or a poem, be it May or December, I will always try to speak up on the matters of mental health. I am happy we got a whole month dedicated to point out the awareness of a huge issue that bothers a lot of people, but like with a lot of issues that we find today, be it race, sexual orientation or religion, I am stunned how little it feels we as a society make progress.

When I write these lines, I speak out of experience, knowing well there are good people, open minded humans who listen and dare to understand. Yet after so many years fighting my depression, hitting the lowest of the low and now rising up above a bit, I am still shocked seeing that it is still hard for some to even open up, afraid they are going to be judged for the problems they face, as if their friends or family will see them for something there are not, as if we all are afraid to be seen as broken.

Does the mind shatter if the heart follows?

Even if it is the case, are we not all broken things at the end of the day? To all those who judge and dare to say they are normal and we are not, I dare you, show me what, how or why does that make you different then me? When did we stop judging the human behaviour on the severity of the effort taken and started to claim all who are different must be cast aside? Since when did we undermine the power of the word spoken, as if it became so easy to judge, to blame, when did we stop taking the hard road and actually tried to understand? These are dangerous times, where we cast stones first then think about it, no matter how advance we get, how much the society and the norms change, there is still that narrow minded mindset that pulls us down. Be it with mental health or other issues, I feel like no matter how much we go forth as a society, there will still be bigotry and hate on things there shouldn’t ever be in the first place. There are allies. Always. And I do not look at the world with that grim of an eye. Always, hope is present, hope that bit by bit we will create a more tolerate world. But I am afraid, seeing that we stopped thinking before we make action, as if we became hungry for attention our words create, not thinking what they really mean or what they do to the individual that they are meant for. As humanity we should strive for a better future, a future that can not be achieved if our eyes stay shut, our minds closed and our mouth opened. There is danger in words, a certain responsibility we must take.

We all fight with our mind

It’s funny. Years passed by, even knowing depression is a thing you never defeat truly but fight daily, a part of me still hoped for an eternal peace. I still find myself cooped up in my room, sitting on the floor, fighting the thoughts that sometimes still get louder then my own voice. Even after all I’ve been through, I still hear it sometimes, dark thoughts claiming the world would be better if I wasn’t here. Suicidal thoughts still stay, backed by constant doubt of my work and anxiety that life won’t ever change for the better, that there is only downward for me. I learned how to cope with them, the constant reminders of my failures, though talk, though my work. I am happy I was wrong in a lot of things. There are people who have your back, who are willing to listen and even if sometimes this is out of their pay grade, an advice isn’t needed, most of the times listening helps. I think in the end we all desire that, not even guidance or advice, but understanding. I beg you, if you see a friend or a family member hurting, fighting with something you think you never could help with, talk. Just that. Let them know they ain’t alone. Because that’s all we require. This world is fucked up as it is, it’s cruel and vicious and even if there is 7 billion of us on it, you can feel so alone in the vast space of humanity. Like I said, it is so easy to judge, say things we don’t give a second thought about, but is it really that hard to be there for someone? Or just even to try…

I know the feeling. Waking up, clinging to the smallest things that could help you get through the day, never stopping, as if you do you will be faced with the question, what now? What’s the point? Life in its complexity is simple. Sometimes we do not need to give meaning to things that don’t require it. Live. As we all deserve to try, no one can tell us or undermine our efforts, those who do never felt the pain we did. Love. Be happy. We all deserve it. No matter what you feel right now, no matter what convincing argument your mind creates, all people deserve to be happy. Who are we to say otherwise? Who are we to try to undermine the joy of life? And that is the hardest part, isn’t it? To try. To get up, fighting the all so familiar thought of “Why even bother?”, as if we create in our head more cons then pros for life. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we will fail. We are destined to fail and fall, it is in our human nature. Same as it is to rise against all odds, to strive for better things and achieve the impossible. We often cling to the darker side of the coin, never even bothering to see the bright one. It is time. You deserve your happiness. Get up, seize it!

May, mental health awareness month

I am passionate when it comes to this topic. I often think back to the dark days, where I was on the edge and fell down a few times. Perhaps there is a reason I live. Perhaps it was all just a chance. Depression takes even the strongest of us, even the best of minds can crumble under the sheer weight of the world we put on our shoulders as we at that moment feel it’s our right to carry the heavy burden. Even after all these years I find it hard and scary to talk about it, my depression, the suicide attempts and all the wrong decisions I made along the way. Be it destiny or chance that put me here, I don’t want people to feel the fear and pain I did. We all must take at least a bit of responsibility for our actions, our words and take the hard road sometimes. Be aware of the people around you. Don’t be afraid to help, even if you think you can’t. The effort counts, the understanding must be there and us as humans must show compassion.

To all of you, who these words could find, know, your strength and value exceeds the current perception you possess. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve life. We all deserve to stand up. Love to you all, you beautiful people,

Cursed kiss of love

How is love perceived?
A moment, a fraction of time,
A split second that hurts eternal,
A wither that haunts the distant thoughts,
That wish to escape.

Is love the great mistress of life,
Or the eternal pain reminded,
A split second that lasts forever,
Left to the pendulum swing
Will our soul ache or suffer.

Is love merely hope,
Hiding behind the broken mask of wishes,
Making the human mind, feeble and withering,
To grasp on the cloth that slips away.

Falling, down the chasm of our own making,
We are left to wonder,
Was it all for nothing,
The memory of pain,
The bright glimpse of a kiss,
Which of the two embeds in our mind deeper?

“The Lonesome Road” coming out 24th of May

Only 30 days left. I can’t believe it. It still feels like a dream with me shaking, just waiting to wake up. But no, my book which I invested lot of effort, time and heart is coming for all to see. And I am frankly proud and scared. I got to admit, I try not to be overwhelmed by people’s opinions, but there is a certain feeling of standing naked in front of the world that comes to mind as everyone and all will have the chance to read the words I put on paper. It will be there for all to see, for all to judge and hopefully for some to praise. I know I am still new to the game, I still have lot to learn and I am willing and ready to do so. I stand here, in high hope this is just the start of the journey I was ment to travel.

What is “The Lonesome Road” about?

I will try to lure you into the story so you get invested, without spoiling much.
Earth became a wasteland, stripped of all life. Broken, confused, and in a desperate search for answers, one person still roams its desolate remains.

The Wanderer has no memories, no recollection of the events that led to the end of the world. All he sees are deserted buildings and the smoke that covers the sun. While taking shelter in an abandoned house one night, the last man on Earth gets a knock on the door. He finds an unexpected guide in a woman who feels familiar.

Will he choose to keep traversing these lands, lost as before, or will he take her guidance to find the answers his heart so deeply desires? Are we truly free, or is destiny pulling the strings of our life choices?

This book is hard to pinpoint for me. When presented with the usual question from my friends “What’s the book about?” I stop and pause for a second. As it is hard to explain. Yes, this could be considered a dystopian future / post apocalyptic novel, a fantasy where our hero is put in a place that is in ruins, yet it feels so familiar, like a dream once seen. Yes, it speaks of mystery, suspense, filled with all sorts of twists and turns you would not expect and will be left shocked by. As much as it is a tale of a man wondering the barren Earth, seeking for the answers to what happened, fighting the evil that resides in the shadows of the world, it is as well a tale of destiny, human life and purpose, as the whole story serves as a grand metaphor for one’s struggle with depression and dark thoughts.

I was in a bad place when I wrote this book. And it’s safe to say this book saved me. It is my way of paying it back, telling all who feel like I do that they are not alone, they don’t have to be. This book belongs to those who feel lost, to those who are oppressed by the burden of their own mind, this is for you who seek reason, wishing for answers. This is for all the adventures, who dare to think there is more to this world then meets the eye. There is something for everyone in this piece, as I wrote it in hopes some would find comfort, some would find understanding and some perhaps thrill.

My final thought

“The Lonesome Road” coming out 24th of May, available for preorder now!

I still stand scared and petrified. As an author I reckon all face the pondering question will anyone like it, perhaps they all hate it, maybe I am not ment for it. We all are our own worse critic. And I still am learning, about this trade, about life and myself. All I can say, I am honored and privileged to stand amongst you great people, share the same stage as an author. And I know some will find a piece of themselves in this book and I hope it brings you comfort or satisfaction. Lot of work went into this, as it is weird to see a part of my soul in a book, it is that, part of my heart, for all of you, in hopes you like it.

I want to say a special thanks to 5310publishing, for putting up with me, patiently guiding me through as a newbie in this world I am eternally grateful for the chance to give this book to the people, I am thankful for all the advices and guidance. This wouldn’t be possible without them and I raise my glass to their good hearts.

“The Lonesome Road” is out on the 24th of May 2022. But for those eager to get it a bit earlier you can preorder it from the 5310publishing site :

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Spare the last thought

As a feather lite,
My heart stands alone,
The scales bound,
I can not control.

What was done has come to pass,
What the future brings, the sight crass,
I can not say, to my eyes it surpass,
A mere feeble letter not yet written.

And what it may come,
However my heart is judged,
When the last string of it is strung,
Know that I loved,
I laughed a bit even shunned.

Now in the hour of need,
I sit alone questioning my own creed.
The meaning of life I yet do not know,
I lived it far too little for it to show,
The secrets it held, it kept to itself,
All that it left,
Is a broken man with a broken heart,
With mind weary and his head hung,
One lone soul, with a heart of many,
Abandoned alone with regrets plenty.

P.O.W.: When depression blocks life

I have never experienced a block while writing one of these. Perhaps it is the consistency that clogs the so called pipeline of imagination that provides the lively inspiration where we draw our plots from. In my short time I have experienced some instances where my depression renders me useless, as the rage boils that every single letter I put down feels unworthy. Combined with the famous imposter syndrome you become a well timed bomb which destroys more then it creates. So the question beggs, how do we deal with it when depression sits on our shoulders, like a giant boulder preventing us to breath?

Distance gives perspective

Sometimes pushing through it is the worse option out of the two. No matter the strength we possess, and we all do have some even if it feels at time you are tired and want to give up, pushing through with your head against a wall could prove fatal. It is OK to take a break. Sometimes we can’t battle with our thoughts but rather we need to understand them, argue with your mind rather then ignore what it says. We all carry a burden. To some it is less heavy to the rest it is more, but never more then we can take. Depression is a condition that can not be beaten, it is a condition we learn how to cope with. You never beat your demons, you just learn how to live among them. So there is no shame if you fall from time to time. In a constant struggle, no one can win all the time. Perhaps people who don’t experience this won’t understand, but we fight a battle each and every day. So you have to remember. It is not the battle that is important to win, but rather the complete war. At the end of the day, we all are just human. We will continue to fall, continue to make mistakes, the important thing is not to give up, know that your life is worth it and sometimes take a breath. Distance yourself. Look things from a different angle and the solution will arrive.

What you do has value

Sure, even if I speak about writing specifically, I am looking at a more general topic in mind. Life. Whatever you do, you will have doubts about it. Questioning am I really good at this, should I even try, why do I even bother? Because you can. Because you must. We, the few who fight with our mind constantly, have the strength to fight for a better life. If no one told you, know this, it takes lot of strength to come on top of your thoughts every day. So never doubt you have what it takes to do what you want. We all doubt, it is in our human nature. Whatever we create, the more we look at it, the more it seems like it’s worthless. If you write 300 pages, reread it a dozen times, each time you gonna think of it as a worthless project. But to a fresh pair of eyes, it might seem as something beautiful. In this life we can’t walk alone. As much as we want to be alone sometimes, no matter the allure of solitude, we need to resist it’s call. People give you perspective. People give you direction. The right people can steer you, build you and put you down when you need to be. Life is complicated as it is. We can’t go in it by our own. There is never shame in asking for help, for an advice or for some company. Because it is a lone road ahead.

What was broken can be rebuilt

We all fall. It is an unavoidable event that life provides. It is our choice to stay down or to rise back up again. But never think you deserve the fall. Because I know, it is so easy to think we deserve the pain we get. The hard thing is admitting to yourself that you deserve some good in your life as well. That good comes hard. That’s why most of the time we choose to stay down, as it is the easy thing to do. But when you look what you get by doing so, it gets scary. The easy thing to do is not always the right thing to do. So get up. So what if you fall again? Don’t be afraid of it. Once you know the fall, the dark that it brings, you will fight for the light that awaits up top.

Least words

So here, I promised I would try to be consistent and here it is. Two weeks in a row, wow. I am trying to built this site, with consistent content I believe it can be a good thing. The Process of writing is my way of saying to those who feel the same as I do that they ain’t alone. The poetry I make is just my daily thoughts and emotions put to words. Perhaps it’s decent, perhaps it’s not. But I am willing to believe it will get to the point that the content as a whole will be better. I want to bring my short story project back so stay tuned for that. I want to say to the few who read these lines that I am grateful and honoured. Love to you all beautiful people and until next week,

My book “The Lonesome Road ” is available for preorder: https://www.5310publishing.com/book/thelonesomeroad

The city of hope

Patience, the virtue lost,
Sterility of the soul,
Weights heavy on the broken head.

On the eyes that witness,
The joy I can not possess.
As anger proves the hunger,
The fertile fire that roars,
My mind remains blinded,
By the future that was lost.

Fear as a state of mind,
Ruins the hope of many,
As the ember of rage sparks
The wet day of tears.
There, without a cloud in the sky,
My face is rushed with water,
In the sorrow of the reminded failure.

In the city of dusk,
Where our dreams perish and wither,
Possibility of a better tomorrow does not exist.
Welcome one, Welcome all,
To the hell of your own making.
Read the sign, as you walk the door,
Here your dreams lie, here hope is no more.

You asked me do I miss you

You asked, do I miss you?

With every waking hour
My thoughts collide
Painting the misery
In which my heart burns
Being away from yours.

You asked, do I miss you?

How can the feeling of sorrow,
The inability of my hands holding
Thay face I dream,
Describe the heartbreak that haunts my being.

You asked, do I miss you?

I do.
And even if my pain closes the eyes
That so wishfully desires to kiss your shivering lips,
Even be it one last time.
I do.

I miss the smell your leave on the pillow of my waking hour,
I miss our hearts,
The song of unity.

I miss you.
For you take the pain that I gave,
For you clear the path that remains hidden.
I miss you.
Your smile that holds the breaking dawn,
Your laugh that makes my soul grow,
Your embrace that fills the hollow halls.

I miss you.

A dream of peace

Here, sleepless I dream.
Wide awake my eyes stay shut
To the pain I seek.

I must admit,
There was love once in my heart,
But I fear what I don’t know,
As it seemed to seep out.

Always, I come around,
To my old lover’s embrace,
Fear and dark thought that roam my mind,
These friends who never seem amazed.

But if it happens,
If I suddenly pry my eyes open,
Remember I once wished
My heart awoken.

Unfathomable peace of mind

Fear not, as doubt the mind crosses,
The envy that eats the bravery of the soul,
As strength seeps through even from the lonely mind.

It is not our heart’s desire,
To break free,
The cursed shackles of the world.
The thing our soul wishes,
Is even further out of reach.

Imaginary it seems,
With a sea of turmoil that rocks our core,
Running around the withered beach,
Our thoughts desire the thing they can not have,
Crying, weeping for the night of ease.

Lonely is the life,
Of those cursed with knowledge of living,
As death becomes an old friend to greet.

Silence of the night

A beautiful soul lies awoken,
Brought by the sound of tears,
In the silence of the night,
There is nothing that remains hidden.

Broken heart and a drunken mind,
From every crevice of the sunken spirit,
My demons come awry,
Tired of my heart’s desire.

Even the voices in my head,
Weary of the hope I yearn,
At the end of the long road,
Even they had let me go.

In the eternal silence that it reigns,
Old questions come alive,
Even now after all,
At the end of my path,
No answers I offer in return.

Basking in the darkness of the moon,
I await the sun to rise,
Hoping my thoughts will find,
A better man in another turn.

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