It’s been a while and I have to apologise. I have been absent even though I know I need to keep the blog alive and promote my book. But with the start of the summer, so did my curse start called the day job where I lose my days off and work 60+ hours a week. Yea I know, unbelievable to a point. But I am trying to balance things behind the curtains, working on projects, just not with the pace I am comfortable with. I finished my third book Equinox and now I am in a process of creating the synopsis so I can get back to the query trenches with all of you, to which I am not really looking forward, having the fond memories of rejection. So even if I had slacked when it comes to the Word Den, today I want to talk about something all creators aspire to do, what we fear and what we wish and that is to take that leap of faith and write full time. Today I want to share the fear of the future.
Mind divided, heart decided
When you think about it, on a statistical scale, it’s stupid, right? How many of us are there? How many of us really make it? When I started this journey few years back (geez I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for couple of years now) a good friend / mentor who is an experienced writer shared few gems of advice and he told me something that stuck in my head till this day. There are so many not good, but great books that remain hidden under the radar of the masses, works with great stories and even greater characters and yet they don’t get the appreciation they deserve. Imagine how many of those writers remain unseen and yet with that scary notion in mind, do you really need to stop writing? No, never. Write for yourself, write the story you want to read and eventually the people will follow. This is not a race this is a journey. I met a lot of people who advised and supported me, as an introvert I am grateful, as without the many voices of experience and wisdom that shared their words with me, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’ve been through a lot. By this point in my life few years ago, I thought I would be dead. But this, writing, saved my life and reminded me I still have something to offer in return. Am I good enough thought? Imposter syndrome is a daily occurance for us, but I get back to the words of my friend. Write the stories you would want to read and the people will follow. But then am I good enough to do this? Yes. And no. This is a journey. In this we learn constantly, daily, we improve and we grow. To say we are good enough can’t cut it as we will always improve. So am I good enough? Well, I am better then I was yesterday.
One for the future
So there is this desire and I dare to speak for all writers and creators here. We all love what we do and offer us to do this daily, for a living and I guarantee you there is no one who would even hesitate to accept that offer in a heartbeat. So how easy is it, I keep asking myself every day. What does it take to accept the calling we feel, to stay strong in these hard times and try? Fear is the constant reminder we are human and it prevents us to take part in things that make us happy. Is it just plain old fear or perhaps rationality? I do not know. But after all I’ve been through, I feel like my life will change after the end of this year. I feel like it is time for me to try, no matter how much I fear, to accept the calling that saved me and give my all. Perhaps we all feel like we have what it takes, but to someone who thought he will never amount to anything, to feel I was born to do this, it is a strange sensation. I had this thing I said way before all of this. Depression took a deep hold and I told once while talking to my uncle that I won’t live past 30. To this day he jokingly reminds me how many years I have left, just now as a reminder how stupid I was. But back then I really thought so as I lived my life as I never mattered, as I will die any second. And I claimed whatever I do till I am 30 will be it as I won’t see past it. I have less then 2 years till I cross that milestone. And after standing under my dark cloud for so long, I say now I will live past it. But these are uncertain times. Is it really smart to take that leap of faith and indulge in our dreams when the tomorrow is not guaranteed? But is tomorrow ever guaranteed? I don’t know much, but I know this. For more then ten years (yea that long) I have worked jobs that demeaned and belittled me, broke me spirituality, mentally and physically. So what’s wrong with that at some point we break our mind and find that hidden strength and just take that leap of faith? If tomorrow is never guaranteed, why not try and make the dawn that will come a bit less gloomy?
The rightful circumstances
Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps those words are thought by a lot of you or perhaps that leap of faith will pay off, who knows? Life is full of uncertainty, you can not control it. All I know I lived most of mine in sorrow and despair so perhaps doing something that makes me happy and fully committing to it will only make me content. All of us have our own stories about this, all of us have opinions on it, so let me know yours, I am always happy for a new insight. Like I said, right now my schedule is hectic, I feel so broken but I will try my best to continue to write. Right now the synopsis of my new book is a priority, I feel like it’s taking longer then the actual book. But I am here, still fighting, still believing, still going forward. Perhaps there won’t ever be a right time to fully commit to the craft or perhaps we ourselves have to make the time right. All I know my heart, my soul are screaming to take that leap of faith and who knows, perhaps on the other side happiness awaits…
The world is barren and lost. Only the buildings that cast tall shadows remain as the street stand silent, ridden of all human life. But one man still walks, with no knowledge to what happened to the world, the people in it or him. To find the answers he is searching for, the Wanderer must walk a Path that will determine his own fate. One night, while seeking shelter in an abandoned house, the last man on Earth gets a knock on his door.
Is evil just evil? Is good merely good? Or are those sides just a matter of perspective? All people have an agenda, all people search for hope, but only the few have the strength to live it!
The Path exacts a heavy toll, be careful as the price of walking it may be your soul.
It is the last day of May. I know I spent the last few days, weeks even talking about “The Lonesome Road” but don’t think I have forgotten this rather important month. Even if my book has an important message, I couldn’t just let this last day go by without stating the obvious. We have months like these to remember, to make the unaware aware, to speak up to those who know less and yet there is a certain problem I have with these kind of things. As if it makes us use that one month to speak about certain issues, with such passion, with such numbers, and as time passes by so do the thoughts that were put on such issues. But time passes, it awaits for no one, yet these struggles stay. So let us not forget, let us remember, not just in May, but in June, August and December, through out the year, that we shouldn’t be afraid to speak up about our burdens, our struggles and we should not shun, but help, not forget, bur rally, not blame, but understand.
The message stands
Why is it so hard to care? Is it because the world is filled with enough problems, so we just choose on which one to focus our mind on? Or is it perhaps the question of some problems are just bigger then other? Whatever it may be, one thing is for sure, we should never forget. Forget how to be humans, how to be friends, brothers and sisters. We shouldn’t forget how to care, how to understand. Because I believe there it is hidden, the solution of all problems, no matter which one specifically we choose to fight for. Just remember to be human. As I said, May might be over, but as with a lot of these months were we choose to spread the awareness, we should never forget to care. This world can be much sometimes. Our environment can be harsh and unforgiving, but it is up to us to carry the message, to hold the banner and speak up, every month, every year and every day. Let us never forget to be there for others, creating a safe haven to speak, to talk, to show we do want to understand. The sad truth is one man can not change the world. But one man can make it a bit better. And isn’t that the whole point? If we all attempt to do it, if we all try, in the end there will not be just one, but many. And who knows, we might just change the damn world after all.
Mental health issues will perhaps one day be accepted as that, problems we don’t need to hide. As many problems, there is always a certain amount of distrust, or the lack of trust, when we try to open up, when we try to speak up. We often tend to think what the person who is about to receive that information will think. Will they judge? Will they just shrug their shoulders and say its nothing, man up? We create the environment we live in. We create the world we inhabit. It is dangerously reckless to claim we can’t do anything about it when we all have the power to make a difference. But it takes a step. A leap of faith that at first seems so insignificant, so small, as in why would I even do it, what difference would it make? To the world? Perhaps none. To one person? It can be life changing. Like I said, perhaps one individual can not change the world, but pulled together, we as a society, we can damn well do some damage. But we can not think that small, one step is meaningless. As if we all take one step forward, it is no longer a single step, but a jump, a leap inside of an ocean that could create a tidal wave. But, to do that, we must remember, stay human. Don’t let ego make your decisions. Every action matters, everything we do affects someone, we can not think so highly that we are alone in this universe, in this world, just look around and you shall see. Sometimes we all just need a hand, to stand up. Be it a tough life, a crappy day or just a bad luck weekend, offer that hand to someone who is down, and who knows? You just might make a difference.
To those who fell
I keep on repeating myself, I know. Sometimes I just can’t help it. But I felt how you are feeling and I still do. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday you feel like you need to find a reason, no matter how big or small, just to get through to the night. I know. Believe me. Sometimes you just try no to think about it, go on to work, out, just shoving your emotions in a corner, because it’s easier to deal with them when they come crushing back when you get home later, alone on the floor of your room, trying to deal with the crap you tried to just for one day, forget. This life, my beautiful people, is just a trial of run and error. We make mistakes. We all do. It is just human nature, no one is perfect. We all carry scars, just some of us have bigger ones. But even if we make mistakes today, no one guarantees us we will make new ones tomorrow. Trial of error and run. Your run this life, doing best you could, making mistakes, until one time you get it right. And even if now or sometimes feels like you can’t get it right, you will. You have the strength to stand right now, today. You made it this far. Through all the pain and suffering, standing today against the odds. You will make it through tomorrow. It is hard to trust. We look at humanity with open eyes and sometimes we want to cry. But we can not judge it whole with prejudice. Open your mind and your heart and who knows? Humanity might just surprise you.
And for the rest? Don’t judge. Extend your hand, make and effort to understand. It is already hard for us to speak about it as when we do, we speak with fear. Make us hope, as hope is what we need, to show that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow, the sun might shine just a tad bit more brightly.
Speak the message throughout the year. Break the stigma. Break the prejudice. Open your minds and heart. Understand. And be human.
For a time I was lost, For a place I mourn the most, Where the soul meets my mind, Where I knew love to find.
For a second I had doubt, I held my mind, shamed, never proud, Broken I saw the cracks, Under my fingers I felt the marks.
Now, I stand alone, Afraid with the world to atone, Sins heavy and no time to rest, I have to put my words to a test.
Redemption never comes too cheap, Doubt will never stop to creep, In my world I might be alone, In my final hour, I might now know, For every life there is a chance, For every sinner a new hope to advance.
I am so happy, my first official book is out! I hope some of you will take interest, that you will dare to take it on and perhaps not judge it too harshly. I spoke for days now about it, I bet you are sick of hearing about it. So here it is, a little trailer I made, hope you like it and I hope you dare to take on this adventure i made. Enjoy and thank you!
The Wanderer himself is a representation of one’s lost mind, one whole piece what we all possess. There is a reason why the Wanderer is faceless, practically nameless for a reason. To make a blank looking character, with the problems of many, was my intention in the first place for one specific reason. So each and every one of you who read the story can easily put themselves in his place, as all who struggle with depression, lost identity and the anxious feeling of carrying the burden that crushes our soul, will find it easy to connect with such character.
“I walked alone. Through the shadows that the tall buildings cast, like giants watching over the once vivid and song-full city, but now just as a reminder of some past times, they stand tall, relics of an ancient order, such as I am myself. Those buildings and the entire world which surrounded me felt new yet familiar. I couldn’t feel a cold breeze on my skin. No winds moved the hollow now trees, stripped bare of its leaves, as once not so long ago did. The jungle of concrete and metal once felt like an anthill, buzzing of life, souls rushing on, minding only the empty task of the day they had. But now, no sound can be heard but the eternal silence that fills these streets, flowing throughout my veins, which pump that sorrowful blood all the way up to the heart, leaving it feeling bare, alone, stripped, and wasted. I march on, in search of laughter, shout, even a slight remark of a whisper which I grew to miss so dearly. I have been walking for so long; time seems to have stopped, pulling everything in one place, even myself in one way or another. I have been walking for so long, missing things I have held for granted. The simple hello from a stranger, a warm embrace of a loved one, or even just a sight of a curious passerby. One fearful thought keeps on rushing through my brain even though I quickly dismiss her. Thinking of some better times, I find myself faced with the ugly truth…I might be the last one. No one knows or remembers what happened exactly. Maybe we neglected the home we were given, and our mother finally rebelled against us, punishing us for our misbehaving and sins done over the last long years to her. Or perhaps we were betrayed by our own greed and fear, looking over our shoulder, valuing the life of our fellow man less and less, until we decided to grasp for something that wasn’t ours for the taking and putting the final stroke on our neighbor. No one knows what exactly happened. All that matters now is that the world fell silent so long ago, the song of billions that sang in many different tunes can’t be heard anymore, the night ceiling that connected us seems to swallow the once peaceful place, and the fire that warmed us, not just around, but also in our hearts, seems to be extinguished by none other than ourselves. Who knows what happened, but one thing is certain, we brought this misfortune upon ourselves, a band of mortal man, when did we think of ourselves as gods?” (The Lonesome Road, Chapter 1- The Lone Wanderer)
Ridden of all memory, he starts his journey. Even if he has no recollection of the events that unfolded, leaving this world barren and without human life, he feels the emptiness inside, a reflection of the world that surrounds him. But one thing is for sure, there are eyes on our broken protagonist. One night, seeking shelter, the last man gets a knock on a door. Behind it, stands destiny, a woman he does not recognise, yet like a friend not seen in ages, she feels familiar. But hesitation came up, holding his heart, as the woman’s motives became bit more clear, our hero must decide is she really the benevolent good she claims to be, or is the evil that resides in this world the same as the woman?
“All things that begin must have an ending to them…” I tried my best to put out some words of comfort. “It’s simply the law of life, time. But that does not mean we have to live in constant fear and worry about the end, knowing it’s life’s only certainty. It’s destiny.” I stayed in my sitting position, not breaking the gaze from the fire, but could hear the old bed move under her as she changed position, probably to stand even closer to me. “What do you mean it’s destiny? Now you’re talking nonsense. How can the fact that being OK with dying and making your peace with it be destiny?” Her voice changed as well as her position. It didn’t resemble the sweet, soft, mellow voice she usually had, even in fear and under pressure. Now it began to sound edgier, tense as if she was annoyed with my words and the view I had at the world. “It is destiny,” I answered back coldly, “You see people see destiny as a path that branches up from one to a million, thousand… A force that constantly intervenes, depriving us of our fundamental right to choose. How many times have you wanted to do something, and during or at the end of it, it goes wrong, and you figure out it was destiny that made you fail or end up there where you didn’t want or think you would end up in the first place? People often use it as an excuse for their failures or as an excuse for a weight that keeps them in one place for too long. Talking and saying it must have been destiny that wanted them to fail or stay at the bottom of the barrel for too long. It’s not destiny that keeps them from going forward. It’s themselves. And all of it is nothing more than an excuse for their own miserable failures.” (The Lonesome Road, Chapter 3- The Road Ahead)
Destiny. Are we that afraid of a concept that an invisible hand guides our life, that our choices never mattered? Or do they? What if destiny is like a river, with multiple paths and every decision we make takes us to a different destination? What if our choices mattered and there never was one destiny that was predetermined for one being? As what can we do, but believe in our Path, jump in that river and hope the destination is as comfortable as it gets. This book explores the human nature, our understanding of life, fate, destiny and balance.
The Lonesome Road is out tomorrow, you can get it, the link will be below. If you have any questions for me, please do ask, even if it’s just to say hi. I am excited to bring you this book, I hope everyone finds something for themselves in it.
I’ll answer any questions you may have, looking forward for tomorrow, love to you all!